- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans; drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed. Force cat's mouth open with small pliers. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a cup of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
A Tribute to the Dog
Gentlemen of the Jury: The best friend a man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son or daughter that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name may become traitors to their faith. The money that a man has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most.
A man's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees to do us honor when success is with us, may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our heads.
The one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him and the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog.
A man's dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground, where the wintery winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master's side.
He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince.
When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wing and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.
If fortune drives the master forth an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him to guard against danger, to fight against his enemies.
And when the last scene of all comes, and death takes the master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by his graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even to death.
(From a speech made by George Graham Vest who served as U.S. Senator from Missouri from 1879 to 1903. It was given in court, in an earlier period of his life, when he practiced law in the small town of Warrensburg. Mr. Vest represented the plaintiff, who was suing a neighbor who had wantonly shot and killed his dog. As a result of the speech, the jury, after two minutes of deliberation, found for the plaintiff and awarded damages in an amount two and one half times that what was being asked.)
Things We Can Learn From A Dog
- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
There's a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua...the guy with the Doberman says to the guy with the Chihuahua: "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says: "We can't go in there; we've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman says: "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses. He starts to walk in but a guy at the door says: "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman says: "You don't understand - this is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says: "Oh yes, they're using Dobermans now. Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures: 'What the heck,' puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says: "Sorry pal, no dogs allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says: "You don't understand - this is a seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says: "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says: "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
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Matthew Barry, Proprietor
Annapolis, MD 21401
Tel: (410) 280-2940